I thought about laminating this list and dropping it into the cute glittery cards I give for baby showers. A blog post works just as well.
This is a list I created as a courtesy for all new mothers and to-be mothers. As one woman who has seen her fair share of night duties with a baby, it has been created lovingly, with much experience. Best of luck to you.
Ten Things New Parents Should Never Utter at 2:30 a.m.
1. Instructions. Do not give instructions, for anything, at 2:30 in the morning. If you forgot to tell your husband to use the frozen breastmilk before the fresh breastmilk, now is not the time to wave your hands in the kitchen like a mime with vertigo and bemoan how all order was lost and why do you spend time pumping and how come no one listens when you ask for something simple. Save instructions for anything — from using the can opener to filing complicated tax refund forms — until the sun is up.
2. Anything About Mothers. Your mother, his mother, Mother Teresa: don’t mention a word about anybody’s mother.
3. “You should…” Your babe is finally sleeping in your arms. In a moment of silence, you remember to bring up something you want to get done or have your husband do. As you mentally rehearse the conversation, if it begins with, “You should…”, ditch the subject. If it feels so urgent that you must bring it up or your face is going to fly off the front of your head, still ditch it.
4. “I want to get…” Online shopping is a really bad idea at 2:30 a.m. Your sleep-deprived head will try to convince you that you need the hand-painted plate collection featuring artistic depictions of Top 40 songs the day your baby was born. Etsy is a particularly hazardous site to be on in the early morning hours.
5. Budget. Like a dead racoon on the side of the road, don’t even poke a stick at this subject.
6. Home Improvement Projects. If you don’t believe me, go ahead, bring it up. Then remember me when you’re lying in your bed among a pile of sixty burp rags and a dozen pacifiers, your husband with a pillow over his head, and you crying because “all I ever ask is that you put a new plate on the dining room lightswitch and I just gave birth, for pete’s sake”. And then, when you completely fall apart because the baby just spouted milk all over himself and you can’t find a burp rag, remember you are sitting on sixty burp rags. Just pick one up. Get your sleep-deprived head together to look to the right or left and pick one up…
7. “I’m thinking about a hair cut.” Now is not the time to get a hair cut that requires a PhD in round-brushing. The only things you are allowed to cut are umbilical cords, the lawn, and corners.
8. “Did you…?” This question requires the other parent to either remember something he did in the past or make a mental note to do something in the future. Go easy on him.
9. “I think he is showing signs of…” While he’s feeding, you surf Google on your iPhone and next thing you know you are convinced your son has ADHD, color blindness, irritable bowel syndrome, is pigeon-toed, will require Forest-Gump-like leg braces, has a broken pinky finger, might be slightly epileptic, has ears showing symptoms of fetal alcohol syndrome (how much wine did you have at that wedding before you knew you were pregnant??), and is neurologically afflicted with the same lack of facial recognition skills as Brad Pitt. Don’t forget: an hour ago you had fallen asleep with a McDonald’s french fry under your cheek. You’re in no shape for this conversation.
10. Marshmallows. OK, this one is a bit of a twist: I just recommend you don’t eat them at 2:30 a.m. You’ll be tempted to. You’ll be tempted to mindlessly eat any “type” of food that isn’t technically on the pyramid but is easily accessible while you’re shuffling through the kitchen during a night-feeding. Lay off impulsive food just as much as you should stay away from impulsive conversations. Your gut will thank you in the morning.
CLOVER PUCK 